"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
-Steven Wright
"MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's."
-Doug Ferrari
"My favorite animal is steak."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."
-Claud Cockburn
"Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected."
-Robert Orben
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical."
-Yogi Berra
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad."
-Diogenes the Cynic
"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children"
-Eric Draven
"I am not young enough to know everything."
-Oscar Wilde
"You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions."
-Senator Patrick Leahy
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"
-Scott Adams
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
-Mahatma Gandhi
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-Graffito, in Los Angeles
"God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project."
-Anonymous, Graffito
"At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice."
-Albert Einstein
"But...why is the rum gone?!"
- Jack Sparrow, in Pirates of the Caribbean
"I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest... Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly stupid."
-Jack Sparrow, POTC
"I shall name him squishie and he shall be mine. He shall be my Squishie!"
-Dory, from Finding Nemo
We're all going to Hell, and I'm driving the bus!
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
-Anne Frank
"I catnap now and then, but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time."
-Martha Stewart
"Things are only impossible until they're not."
-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
"It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this."
-Bertrand Russell
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."
-Al Capone
"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires."
-Dorothy Parker
"Living in a vacuum sucks."
-Adrienne E. Gusoff
"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil and you'll never be invited to a party"
-Oscar Wilde
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle
"Properly, we should read for power. Man reading should be man intensely alive. The book should be a ball of light in one's hand."
-Ezra Pound
Spellcheckers arent worth a shirt.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln
"I would like to thank a world that never understood or accepted me, family and friends that never believed in me, lovers who never ceased to torment me, and a God that has one hell of a sense of humor. You have all made me what I am today. Let that weigh heavily on your consciences."
- David Draiman
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
This message brought to you by the letters "F" and "U".
SAVE THE EARTH. It's the only planet with chocolate.
I haven't had this much fun since the last time I ate a light bulb.
"Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination."
-Bill Watterson
"As I was walking up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd stay away."
-Hughes Mearns
If you had an open mind wouldn't your brains spill out?
"You're never too old to become younger."
-Mae West
"Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. As a peacemaker the lawyer has superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough."
-Abraham Lincoln
What part of "ignore me!" is too hard for you fools to understand?!
No, Forrest, life is not a box of chocolates.
Live by the sword, and sure as hell die by it, unless someone has a semi-auto.
"Today for show and tell I have brought with me a snowflake. Now watch as I explain how this intricate and unique work of nature...turns into a plain, boring drop of water when brought into a classroom. While the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside."
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
Excuse me, but do I have to purchase your silence with the fist of death?
- Alice, Dilbert
