Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-Rita Rudner

"As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you is determinism; the way you play it is free will."
-Jawaharlal Nehru

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
-Phyllis Diller

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
-G. K. Chesterton

I found a way to live forever.....First tick off God then tick off Satan then neither of them want you...

I'm Paige Guthrie and I have issues.
-Husk, Uncanny X-Men

Mad made beer. God made pot. Who do you trust?

"You cannot kill me, for I am the shadows, and the shadows
never die!"
-Yami Bakura, Yugioh!

You! OFF MY WEBSITE!

Aim for the stars...but first aim for their bodyguards.

NEVER let your mother brush your hair when she's mad at your father.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Remember: Pillage, then burn!

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You say bitch like it's a bad thing...

What would Scooby Doo?

Had a life. Got a modem.

What would Jesus do...for a Klondike bar?

WELCOME TO THE INTERNET! *Pants optional*

I am in shape...round is a shape.

I'm Canadian; it's like an American, but without a gun.

Stop the damn profanity!

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names.

No shir. I havvunt been drinking, just hold my beer pleesh.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all."
-Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh, Chapter 77

"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."
-Erma Bombeck

"The good or ill of a man lies within his own will."
-Epictetus

"The highest courage is to dare to appear to be what one is."
-John Lancaster Spalding

"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."
-Ogden Nash

Sith happens

God grant me patience NOW!

Flies spread diseases. Keep yours zipped.

Please do not feed the ego.

End injustice; KILL EVERYONE!

End homelessness and hunger. Eat the homeless.

Follow that car, Godzilla, and step on it!

Come to the dark side, we have cookies...

"Don't make me come down there."
-God

I don't get headaches, I give them.

Life SUCKS, and it leaves some mean hickies!

Men have feelings too...just kidding.

Jesus saves by using double coupons and shopping wisely.

Squirrels -- nature's little speed bumps.

Witch parking only. Others will be toad.

Stupid kills, but not enough to really help.

STOP ANIMAL EXPERIMENTS...use lawyers.

The problem with sex in the movies is your popcorn usually spills.

Partnership for an Idiot Free America.

Good.

Fast.

Cheap.

Choose two.

If Satan goes bald, there'll be hell toupee.

Bitch without a cause.

"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too."
-Lichty and Wagner

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
-Carl Zwanzig

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
-Abraham Lincoln

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them."
-Lily Tomlin

"He's not dead, he's DRUNK!"
- From the movie Bad News Bears.

"They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse."
-Emily Dickinson

"Don't wallow in self-pity, dear Caitlin; wallowing in self-pity is like wallowing in dog shit. You will eventually discover that it isn't good for you but by the time God delivers this message, the shit will be so high you'll be stuck in it until you drown...in crap."
-Me, speaking to a depressed friend on DeadJournal.

"Wallowing in dog shit is (at least I think it probably is) considerably less excruciating than wallowing in self-pity. Wallowing in self-pity is like wallowing in a lake of chocolate. At first you think it's all cool and stuff, 'cause, hey! It's chocolate! Then you realize that while it's chocolate, it's also filling your lungs and you can't breathe anymore, and then you start to ask yourself what the hell you're doing in a lake of chocalate, how the damned thing got there in the first place, and why the hell didn't the cubs get to the world series? (YOU WERE UP THREE TO ONE, YOU BASTARDS) But before any of these can be answered, you die, and days later your bloated corpse is bobbing up and down in the center of the chocolate lake, baffling authorities everywhere."
-Caitlin's reply to the above comment.

"Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy."
-Spike Milligan

"My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music."
-Vladimir Nabokov

"Good taste is the worst vice ever invented."
-Edith Sitwell

Suicide Hotline, please hold...

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
-Mark Twain

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
-George Carlin