"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
-Jules de Gaultier
"Life is a long lesson in humility."
-James M. Barrie
"No matter how lonely you get or how many birth announcements you receive, the trick is not to get frightened. There's nothing wrong with being alone."
-Wendy Wasserstein
"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives."
-Lawana Blackwell
"I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
-Tom Lehrer
"Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves."
-J. B. Priestley
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
-Samuel Goldwyn
I don't drink!...it dulls the drugs.
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it.
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
-Robert Benchley
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
-Ronald Reagan
"Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age."
-William Feather
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
"Drink nothing without seeing it; sign nothing without reading it."
-Spanish Proverb
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
-Woody Allen
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
"There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun."
-Pablo Picasso
What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
"Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age."
-Christopher Morley
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
-Bilbo Baggins (The Fellowship of the Ring)
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
-Mark Twain
"All who wander are not lost."
-J. R. R. Tolkien
Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied.
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
-Edgar Bergen
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
-David Letterman
"What you risk reveals what you value."
-Jeanette Winterson
"No human thing is of serious importance."
-Plato
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
"Scotty, beam us aboard." "Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"
How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three, a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
"Pokemon is a slave trade and Pikachu is the slave master!"
-Tracy Morgan on "Saturday Night Live"
"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too."
-Oscar Levant
"Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet."
-Chinese Proverb
"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another."
-Charles Dickens
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."
-Robert Heinlein
"I shut my eyes in order to see."
-Paul Gauguin
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
((The following quotes marked with asterisks are from my best buddy, Ashley! *MWA!!!*))
*The trouble with doing something the first time is that no one appreciates how difficult it was.
*Getting older is easier than getting wiser.
*The amount of sleep required by the average person is about "five more minutes."
*A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
*What would we do without hypothetical questions?
*The only normal people in the world are the ones you don't know.
*Conscience is the inner voice that warns us when nobody cares.
*I have not yet begun to procrastinate!!
*Take my advice...I'm not using it.
*The future ain't what it used to be.
*Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
*All my life, I've wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific.
*A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.
*Warning: Dates in calender are closer than they appear.
*Always and never are two words you should remember never to use.
*I'm trying to read a book on relay, but I keep falling asleep...
*If your parents never had children, chances are you might not either!
*Indecision may or may not be my problem.
*Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
*It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
*NEVER EAT THE YELLOW SNOW.
*No brains...no headache!
*Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
*A best friend walks in when the world walks out.
*There's no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in quit.
*Don't squat wit' yer spurs on!
*Love like you've never been hurt.
"Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary."
-Oscar Wilde
"If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance."
-Mark Twain
"Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency. She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse."
-Jacques Sequela
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
-Mark Twain
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
- Milton Friedman
"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
- Mary Ellen Kelly
"Playgirl magazine is now offering the men of Enron a chance to post nude. Coincidentally, the men of Enron will soon be getting the same offer from their cellmates."
- Conan O'Brien, on Enron
"The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers."
- William Shakespeare
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
- Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein
"Man is nature's sole mistake."
- W.S. Gilbert
"Such is the human race. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat."
- Mark Twain
"I love mankind; it's people I can't stand."
- Charles Schultz
"I once saw a photograph of a large herd of wild elephants in Central Africa Seeing an airplane for the first time, and all in a state of wild collective terror... As, however, there were no journalists among them, the terror died down when the airplane was out of sight."
- Bertrand Russell
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso..."
- Rita Rudner
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
- Mahatma Gandhi ((Siona says: Mr. Gandhi got's a temper...))
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
- Fulton Sheen
"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."
- Mark Twain
"Scurvy, old, filthy, scurry lord."
- Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well.
"Pray you, stand farther from me."
- Shakespeare's Antony & Cleopatra.
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell."
- General PH Sheridan
"When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right."
-Albert Guinon
"America is a mistake, a giant mistake."
- Sigmund Freud
"America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top."
- Charlie King
"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."
- David Letterman
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."
-Anais Nin
"There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by."
-Annie Dillard
