Quotes from hither and thither...the newer ones are at the top.
Also, if you don't get these...get the hell outta my site/sight, 'cause I won't explain them.
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"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
-Tom Stoppard
What if this wasn't a hypethetical question?
"Umm...yeah, well, our strong man injured his groin on a barbell."
Be cultured in your passions and magnificent in your evil. Any imbecile can act like a madman; it takes true wisdom to become a devil.
Scammers are like slinkies, it's fun to watch them fall down stairs.
Vampires... Creatures that can walk the darkest of nights... without a flashlight!
I was standing in the park one day, wondering why frisbees got larger as they got closer... Then it hit me.
/ERROR 406: file corrupt:Earth.config/reboot:universe? (Y/N)
"A waist is a terrible thing to mind." ~Jane Caminos
There's a little light at the end of every tunnel... just pray that its not a train.
Never moon a werewolf.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
What's the difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Save trees. Eat Beaver.
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
An erection doesn NOT qualify as personal growth.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." - Marty Feldman.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.
"Sometimes I lie in my bed, looking up at the stars, and I wonder... where the hell did my ceiling go?!?
Have you ever had Deja Vu?
Have you ever had Deja Vu?
On the other hand... you have different fingers.
"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
- President Gerald Ford
"I just pee in the costume."
-George Clooney, on what he does when nature calls while hes in the Batman Suit...
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-Paul Ehrlich
Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt.
Where there's a will, there's a greedy relative.
You laugh because Im different; I laugh because youre all the same.
STOP STARING AT ME.
STOP FOLLOWING ME.
Maybe this planet is another worlds Hell...
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
Joseph Heller
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Death is life's way of telling you 'You're fired.'
"We are the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked!"
-Homer Simpson
"How the fuck do you plant bulrushes in a pond?"
~"Tommy's Tale" by Alan Cumming
I've seen normal. It ain't pretty.
Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
If you spin around a Japanese man does he get disoriented?"
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." -Bill Peterson
Is there a such thing as a civil war?
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
-Dorothy Parker
"Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordian."
-Donald Rumsfeld
"Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
-Jules Feiffer
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
-George Gobel
Jay: Tell me somethin' bout me!
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet!
Jay: Fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows!
Rufus: When ya do it, you're thinkin' about GUYS.
-Dogma
"I was sorry to have my name mentioned among the great authors, as they have a sad habit of dying. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling very well myself."
-Mark Twain
Jean: I must confess that he takes my breath away.
Cyclops: Oh, well when I have the chance, remind me to drop a truck on him.
Xavier: Cyclops.
Cyclops: A big truck.
Xavier: Cyclops!
Cyclops: A really big truck.
Xavier: CYCLOPS!
(From: X-Men #1; talking about Gambit...)
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Never tell the bad guy to "do your worst": invariably, he will.
I don't have to outrun the bear: I just have to outrun you....
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
Will: "I can't decide whether this is lunacy or brilliance!"
Jack Sparrow: "Funny how often the two go together."
-Pirates of the Caribbean
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
If a person with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
Vegetarian; N. American word for "lazy hunter."
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
If at first you don't succeed... skydiving isn't for you.
Click here for a trick that will confuse N00bs for hours.
Only in America do banks leave both doors wide open, but chain pens to a counter.
Like a door I'm straight, but I also swing both ways....
Only in America do we order a large fries, double bacon cheeseburger, and a diet coke.
Only in America do we make metabolism pills to be eaten with bacon.
It's bringing love! Kill it!
I'm a people person! ...Just don't come near me.
Never settle with words with what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, then how come nothing's free yet?
The sign said wet floor, so I did.
I've lost my mind, can I have yours?
"I throw de cards, de cards go BOOM! End of bad guy, end of story." -Gambit, X-Treme
"God creates dinosaurs. God kills dinosaurs. God creates man. Man kills God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man... Woman inherits the earth."
-Jurassic Park
'Deja moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
It is hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
I say no to drugs. They just dont listen.
You can't scare me, I have children.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
RUSSIAN SPY. Please ignore.
Idaho - We're more than potatoes! ... Okay, maybe we're not, but the potatoes are good.
Wyoming - Wynot?
New Jersey - You want a ##%$##! motto, I'll give you a ##%$##! motto!
Arizona - Dehyd-rific!
Alabama - At least we're not Mississippi
California - As seen on TV
Nevada - Free Cocktailsh in the Shilver Shhhtate...
The gene pool needs chlorine.
*Homer is getting beat up by the Italian Mafia*
Mark Hammil (Luke Skywalker): Homer, Use the For-...
Homer- The FORCE?
Hammil- No! The fork. Use the FORK!
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
7/5th of all people don't understand fractions.
I must hurry, for there they go, and I am their leader.
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary there!
Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat.
"We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know."
-W. H. Auden
